For approximately 6 years I recently worked as a security guard down town Jacksonville Florida at a large parking garage.  Each year there was a reoccurring college football game.  This was the national rivalry of the Florida Gators vs. the Georgia Bulldogs.  It has been said to me this event is the largest traveling cocktail party in the world.  I do not know if that is true or not, but I would not be surprised if it was after seeing it in person.

          See, I take the commandments of God found in Ephesians 4 and 5 very seriously such as: "there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity."[1]  Also Jesus Christ Himself charged the world with these words, "take heed to yourselves, lest your hearts be weighed down with carousing, drunkenness, and that Day come on you unexpectedly."  Therefore, by the grace of God, I have completely avoided drunkenness, worldly parties, carousing, and any placing where my heart would be enticed by any form of sexual fornication. 

          What this boiled down to was that I dreaded with great fear and anxiousness the weekend of this big sporting event.  For the garage I worked at was next door to the place where the largest drunk crowds would gather, about 30,000 people.  The garage would fill with an onslaught of unrestrained drunkenness and sexual immorality.  The first year working at this place I was told by my male co-workers how they looked forward to this event, because of all the naked college girls they would sometimes see.  This put great fear in my heart for I know my hearts proneness to lust and my eyes to wonder.

          Therefore, I prayed to God that He would uphold me with His grace & keep me from these immoral women and keep me from seeing their lewdness.  Although I had to ask my good God to forgive me for my wondering eyes and unclean thoughts, He was a strong refuge to His servant Oshea.  In all 5 years, which I worked at this event, not one time did I see a naked college girl.  Yet, all my co-workers year after year saw many unclothed ladies and saw in plain sight many acts of fornication.  The amazing thing in all of this is that my walking patrols put me at a higher percentage of exposer to the drunken crowds, still my God kept me from seeing nothing!  Some of my co-workers marveled how after all those years I saw nothing.

        It is hard to express my inner turmoil, fear and dread when I worked at this event.  Often I spent those nights crying in tears bowed before God, in repentance, thankfulness and seeking His truth to comfort me.  It was the worst hell that I have ever been.  It tested my convictions harder in ways I never wanted to be tested.  I will not go into detail but I had many sexual offers and invitations by women at this event that on a worldly standard would have been dream, but on a godly standard would have been abominations.  Yet, God kept me.  I have all my life avoided this and now by the sovereignty of my good God I was thrown into the mist of this pit of devils and was told by God: do not worry and fret, for I am with you and will keep you safe.  I never had to trust God at such a level before.

          It was as though God had set my bed in Hell and told me: I want you to learn to sleep here and rest, for I am with You and will keep you safe.  I knew the Psalmist was true when he said Yahweh would be with him even in Hell to uphold him, but I did not know it in the depths of my heart.  Job had the same experience it seems, for he says in, Job 42:5, "I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, But now my eye sees You."

          The main lessen the Spirit of God communicated to me, for which I needed to learn was this: "Oshea, because of my Son's sacrifice for you, if I were to place you in Hell, you are still as safe and beloved by Me there as if I placed you in Heaven in my arms embrace."  Scripturally and intellectually I knew this to be true.  Yet, God who knows my heart better than I do and knew the depths of my soul had a degree of sinful disbelief about this.  Therefore, today I testify with fullest assurance in God's perfect sovereignty, steadfast faithfulness, and enduring grace.  He will never abandon the humble.  Indeed they are safe with Him.   For Jesus Christ will never leave them, never!  Matthew 28:20, "I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

          I thought my toughest battle being a young man thrown into this pit of hell was my weakness to lust, but God as always knows me better, for I had a deeper issue of unbelief.  I know all to well the promise which my great God gave to all His children in Romans 8:28 when it reads, "all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."  Yet, I know the story of Job very well to.  God wanted to prove to the Devil, to His own Glory and praise that Job was a righteous man.  And although the devil was a secondary agent who directly placed harm on Job, still it was God who really brought all this hardship, persecution, pain and sorry in Job's to test Him.  For the Scriptures reads Job's family "comforted [Job] for all the evil that the LORD had brought upon him."[2]  Therefore, it was God who brought this evil on Job, to Glorify Himself, yet at the same time God fulfilled His promise of always working everything to His children's good for the Scriptures also read, "LORD blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning."

          This is easy to write about, but if you realized God brought upon you hardship, pain, sorry and testing makes it harder to believe the promises of God that He will always be with us, that His blood always forgives us, and He works all things for His glory and our good.

          What I discovered as God tested me in the valley of affliction was that I had areas of both unbelief and pride in my life; particularly in the areas of sins where I more frequently fell to.  I know since God is absolute Sovereign He is able to remove this sinfulness out of my heart in an instant it He so willed it.  So I would at times find myself complaining and asking the question: God why? 

           What boiled down to was I did not like how God was using His sovereignty over my life.  Yet, this is a horrible thing for demons do the same thing.  They know God is Sovereign but do not agree in how He uses it, mainly by not serving them.  What I found is that this issue for a Christian ultimately boils down to an issue of unbelief on our behalf.  For if I truly believed God works all things for my good, that Jesus blood is an infinite display of proven love to me by Him being a propitiation for me, then I should have no problem with how God uses His Sovereignty (even in the hardships, sinful struggles, etc) in my life!

            The Apostle John wrote, "For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world -- our faith."[3]  If you say you are a Christian and yet do not believe in the wonderful promises of God and His Son Jesus Christ then you have nothing and your Christianity is nothing!  We are primarily told it is our faith, which has overcome this world, but why?  Note world here is referring to the prideful, hurtful, sinful, lustful part of the world.  Our faith has overcome the world simply because we have the wonderful promises of Jesus Christ to believe and treasure while the rest do not.  One day will be with our Lord "face to face" until then sincere faith and belief in His scriptures is the only God ordained method for connecting into the Divine life, joy and power.  Jesus Christ said He will never leave us therefore; this truth should keep us from being discontented. 

            The scriptures say, "Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."  God knows all things and He has said by truly believing His Son will never leave us is more than enough to keep us content with what we have, because what we have is God's Son!  If you say this is not enough then the issue is that you do not genuinely believe this promise although you might say you do.  Your greatest problem in not being content with what you have, but you simply do not believe in God, which is a far worse problem.

          But praise to God that through His Son Jesus Christ we are forgiven even for our areas of unbelief.  But if you do not even believe this then how you say you are even saved?

         A writer I enjoy reading is Vincent Cheung.  He had a man email him concerning some hardships he was dealing with.  The man said he believed in God's total Sovereignty over all things yet seemed to despise God for it.  Although my heart had not gone to this point I did see some traces of my own disbelief in his letter.  Cheung responded back with a rather abrasive letter, which I am glad he did for the bible is often written as such.  God used parts of if to cause me to examine my own life, so that I may turn around in true belief and love toward my wonderful God; for indeed it lead me to repentance and thankfulness to Him,

            Below are a few paragraphs, which truly grabbed my heart and as it were felt as though God put His finger on my heart, pointed out where repentance and true belief needed to happen. It is a good thing for us to "examine" ourselves, and particularly to examine when we say we believe in God's promises if we really do?

          "You wrote, "Now, someone will say, 'Jack, God works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.' I can acknowledge this as a theological reality.  But it doesn't help when you feel your wife shaking with grief and pain."

          Why?! Why does it not help?  As you should know, it is not just any "someone" who says this, but Paul wrote it down by the infallible inspiration of God. 

           If we turn to Romans 8 to observe the context, there is no reason why the verse should not help.  Before the verse in question, Paul says, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" (v.  18).  So he is talking about "our present sufferings."  Verse 28 gives us the statement under discussion: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  Then, he says, "If God be for us, who can be against us?"  (v.  31), and applies this in the face of trouble, hardship, persecution, famine, nakedness, danger, sword, death, life, angels, demons, the present, the future, powers, height, depth, and "anything else in all creation" (v.  35, 38-39).  And you have the gall to claim that you "acknowledge this" but "it doesn't help."  Paul applies it to some very "present" (v.  18) problems like persecution, famine, nakedness, danger, or even the sword (v.  35).   

      You do not in fact "acknowledge this as a theological reality."   What you probably acknowledge is that you ought to "acknowledge this as a theological reality."   You believe that you ought to believe it, but you do not in fact believe it.  The other possibility is worse - it is that you do not love God, and that you are not called to his purpose.  If you are an unbeliever, a non-Christian, then of course verse 28 does not help you.  But this is between you and God.  You claim to be a Christian, and for now I will treat you as such.  Therefore, in the context of this discussion, there is no reason why verse 28 should not help you.  What you say here is blasphemy against God's word, and it is pure rubbish.  

      Jesus says, "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.  Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you" (Matthew 5:11-12).  Now imagine some idiot who says, "I acknowledge this as a theological reality, but it doesn't help when people actually insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you."   Well, why does Jesus say it then?  It ought to help, because that is why he says it.  He says that in the face of insult, persecution, and slander, we should "rejoice and be glad" - we have to do it, actually rejoice and be glad, and not just say we believe it but that it does not help.  And rather than making excuses, the apostles did it: "The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name" (Acts 5:41).  

       Paul writes, "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21).  Now imagine some idiot who says, "I acknowledge this as a theological reality, but it doesn't help when you have done something wrong and you feel guilty about it."   But it should help, because it is directly applicable to sin and guilt.  If it does not help someone, then he does not in fact acknowledge it as a theological reality, or any kind of reality.  Similarly, 1 John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."   He is a liar who says that he believes this but that it does not help.

       When Paul pleaded with the Lord to remove from him a thorn in his flesh, a messenger of Satan, the Lord replied, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:7-9).  Now imagine if Paul had talked back to the Lord, "I acknowledge that as a theological reality, but it doesn't help when that thorn is poking at my side."   He would be a moron.  He would sound like you.  But unlike you, he truly believed it and acted accordingly: "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong" (v.  9-10).  

       Consider Joseph.  He was betrayed by his own brothers and sold to a foreign land.  Then he was falsely accused of a shameful crime and cast into prison.  Now imagine if he had said, "I acknowledge my dream about my rise to power as a prophetic reality, but it doesn't help when you are rotting in a prison with no way out."   If that had been his attitude, then in what sense did he acknowledge his dream as any kind of reality?  He would have seen it as an unreality.  But he was faithful and maintained a good attitude, and the Lord blessed him where he was.  And all things indeed worked for his good.  His brothers' betrayal sent him to the place where he would rise to power.  And the false accusation against him, which sent him to prison, positioned him at the very place where he needed to be to gain Pharaoh's attention.  Each tragedy was a shortcut to success and destiny.

       Do I really need to deal with this other thing that you said?  "Someone will say, 'Jack, you just need to trust the Lord and be obedient to Him regardless of emotion.'  I can agree with this as well.  It still does not help alleviate the intense frustration, pain, and sorrow.  And at the end of the day I think to myself, 'God is sovereign.  He could cause Jill to bear children.  All of this could stop.'"  Irreverent.  Pathetic.  No, you do not agree with it.  You do not believe that you should trust the Lord and be obedient to him - or perhaps you believe that you should, as even the demons would, but like the demons you do not in fact trust and obey him; otherwise, it would indeed alleviate the frustration, pain, and sorrow.  

       You have the attitude, "God can end this suffering, but he does not."  In other words, "God can obey me.  God can bow to me and perform all my will, but he does not."  And this frustrates you, causes you pain and sorrow.  You may acknowledge it as a "theological reality" that he is God, and that he is sovereign, but you do not like it.  You do not approve of what he does as God.  You think he is withholding good things from you, but Jesus says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" (Matthew 7:11).  The only way that this can be a "theological reality" that "doesn't help" is if he is not your Father at all. 

       When God appeared to Job and confronted him with his sovereign power, Job said, "Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."  But this is not what you do - you just keep on complaining and asking "why."

        As for the practical aspect of how to combat sin, there are a number of books on the subject that you could acquire and study. You can read some John Owen, some J. C. Ryle, or more recent authors like Jerry Bridges, Joel Beeke, and Jay Adams.  My own Commentary on Philippians contains a basic exposition on Paul's teaching regarding the putting off of the old man and the putting on of the new man.  You also mentioned the struggle that you have with legalism, and these books should address that as well.  But I would insist that for now, your main gripe is not against your own sin, but against the Lord.  Perhaps this is not obvious to you, because you would not like to think of yourself this way.

       [There are] many illustrations in Scripture that "Where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord" (Romans 5:20-21).

       Whether a thought or action is sinful is determined by whether it transgresses God's precepts, so that even if God's decrees produce a good effect out of something evil, it does not change evil into good. Thus I do not say that these sins are not in fact wrong or evil just because God uses even the sins of men to glory himself and to fulfill his purpose.  In fact, if they are not evil or if they are no longer evil once they are employed for good, then it destroys the very point that we are supposed to learn.  For if the lesson consists of a revelation of God's wrath against sinners and God's mercy toward believers, then sin must remain sin; otherwise there would be no demonstration of wrath, and there would be no demonstration of mercy.

       So we do not condone evil just because God makes good use of it.  Rather, because he makes good use of it, we learn something about his wrath, his mercy, and the "grand plan".  In your case, the struggle against those sins that you notice brings to the surface greater sins that you then fail to notice or refuse to acknowledge, such as resentment, rebellion, and blasphemy.  You claim to detest sin in yourself. Good!

       Repent, purge away these wicked attitudes, and be thankful for the grace of God."[4]

          What I found is that if you begin asking God the "why" question in light of His Sovereignty and your hardship it simply means you do not believe His precious words and promises.  It means you might think you believe God works all to you good, but in actuality you do not believe Him.  If this is you, maybe God is trying to teach you to actually start to believe His words, which never fail. 

           The scriptures are clear in that the precious promises of God are strong enough to hold any one through any level of hardship. God will sovereignly decree for all of His saints, by the choice of His own free will, to cause then to go through some degree of pain, sins, hardship and trials for His Glory.  Yet, such promises, which tell us, all our sins are forgiven by His bloodshed, and that He will work all things for our good is enough to comfort us although we might not understand, at the moment, why He has used his sovereignty the way He is done. 

          This is exactly what the Captain of our faith did, Jesus Christ, when He faced the worst hardship of all, taking the almighty wrath of God on the cross for us.  Do not be confused for our lord Jesus had to trust His Father, just as we do.  Jesus speaks of how He trusted in His Father in the book of Isaiah when it reads: "I gave My back to those who struck Me, And My cheeks to those who plucked out the beard; I did not hide My face from shame and spitting.  "For the Lord GOD will help Me; Therefore I will not be disgraced; Therefore I have set My face like a flint, And I know that I will not be ashamed.  Surely the Lord GOD will help Me."[5]  Furthermore, it is recorded that Jesus "for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross."[6]  In both of these verses describes how Jesus had to reach out in trust to God His Father and Jesus' response was that He knew absolutely God would not fail Him.  What Jesus Christ indicates is that He needed nothing more than the promises of His Father to strengthen Him through all the hellish hardship His own Father sent Him to personally endure.  This is to be our example. 

         Therefore, if the promises of God's words are not enough for you, then you are not a true son of God for a true Son of God need's nothing more.  In first Peter he writes that everything we need to live godly is "through the knowledge of Him who called us."  The scriptures cannot lie, for they are God Himself.  God has said all we need for every form of godliness, including happiness and love of heart toward God in the hardest difficulties is found in trusting God's word and promises.

         Someone might say to me, but Oshea, you do not know the level of my difficulties.  This is true, but neither do you know the level of difficulties of the saints in the bible except that their difficulties were worse than yours!  This is why their horrors and nightmares of hardships were so bad so that no one can complain and escape out of trusting God because they think their pain is to great.  All these saints had was their trust in God, and it is the same for us today, all of us.  It was enough for them, for Jesus Christ and yes, even us today.

        Therefore, I say to all who are listening and myself: Trust God, believe in all the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, for His words never fail.  His words are more than enough if you would only believe and rely on Him. For is this not the same thing our God and precious Savior says to all of us when He spoke, "Have faith in God!"[7]

            Furthermore, through my experience I began to realize the great cost it will take to follow my Lord Jesus Christ will all my life.  Or in other words, I realized what it will cost in order to give my God His Glory that He so passionately wants to produce to His pleasure through my life. 

            See, when David wrote, "It is good for me that I have been afflicted, That I may learn Your statutes,"[8] it gives God much glory.  It does so in that God is displayed first in His attributes of being infinitely sovereign, wise and good.  Furthermore, it displays the glory that God is worth trusting!  Who else in all the world is trusted like this?  God wishes to glorify, to some degree, this same honor (to His Name) in all His children's lives. 

       "Love to God will dispose us to walk humbly with Him.  It will be agreeable to this person to exalt God, and set Him on high able all, and to lie low before Him.  A true Christian delights to have God exalted on his own abasement, because he loves Him.  He is willing to own that God is worthy of this, and it is with delight that he cast himself in the dust before the Most High, from his sincere love to Him."[9]

            The doctrine that is found in this is simple: we exalt and display God as famous by trusting Him in everything, even in our sinful struggles that He ordained[10] so that our trusting Him brings Him glory.  God is displayed as the Supreme help and we as helpless but saved by Him who is Strong.  We exalt God by trusting Him and relying even in our hardships and sinful struggles.  And the sole reason is because God is worthy to be trusted.  Do you believe this dear reader?

       I began to realized only if I actually loved, treasured and trusted my Lord Jesus Christ will all my heart would I be willing to suffer such great cost in order that He might simply be glorified in my life.  Yet, praises to be my great God and Father, in all the glory He works though our lives, it also brings about our salvation and happiness in the life of Jesus Christ. 

       Still, once you realize the potential depths of affliction and suffering God might put you through in order to bring about His Glory and your salvation you can only take those kinds of hits if Jesus Christ in fact means everything to you, and you truly believe His promise of mercy given to you.  I mean, are you willing to be thrown in to the deepest pit of devils and temptations against the weakest parts of your character so that the Glory of God being worthy to be trusted might be displayed?  How is a person supposed to take those types of hits? 

          The souls who sees the how high and deep is the wisdom, faithfulness, mercy and love of God is displayed in His Son Jesus Christ crucified for us, and who also truly believes God's truths taking them to heart will have the strength to pick up their own cross and give God glory.

         Jonathan Edwards famously wrote:

"What else may the spirit of the true friendship to God be expressed by other than in desires of the same end which God Himself [has]."[11]

          What this means is that since we know God's greatest desire is for His own glory, being famously displayed, the best way for us to express our friendship to Him is to join in this case with Him.
            As I think about this it can at times frighten me, but once I think about my Lord Jesus Christ bleeding to death under the wrath of God, and how sovereign and good He really is, I find the sound of His voice steals my heart away in love.  Herein, I find a God who is really a God.  He is worthy of all my life, love, faith and yes, even my affliction!  Amen.

Secondly:

I had originally wrote this for a book as a personally testimony, but felt it belonged here better.

        God's sovereignty is not permissive only, but always has Himself choosing and decreeing what sins to test and sanctify us with. God's will never mere permission.  Anytime we see permission by God there was somewhere before this the direct causing and decreeing of God which started the chain effect, as the scriptures plainly show.  Here is Jonathan Edwards to expound more of God's general sovereignty in our sins.

          God decrees all things, and even all sins.  Acts 2:23, "Him, being delivered by the determined purpose and foreknowledge of God, you have taken by lawless hands, have crucified, and put to death."  Acts 4:28, "To do whatever Your hand and Your purpose determined before to be done."  If the scripture meant only that Christ's sufferings should happen by some way or other; I answer, His sufferings could not happen but by sin.  For contempt and disgrace was one thing He was to suffer.  Therefore, even the free actions of men are subject to God's disposal.  Proverbs 21:1, "The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, Like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes."  See Jeremiah 52:3, "For because of the anger of the LORD this happened in Jerusalem and Judah, till He finally cast them out from His presence. Then Zedekiah rebelled against the king of Babylon."  Consider that the people who did not comply with the terms of the covenant of grace is decreed (and not merely said to be allowed), 1 Peter 2:8, "A stone of stumbling And a rock of offense. They stumble, being disobedient to the word, to which they also were appointed."  What man determines, never comes to pass, unless God determines it, Lamentations 3:37, "Who is he who speaks and it comes to pass, When the Lord has not commanded it?"  By commanding here it means willed.  Therefore, God is elsewhere said to speak, and it was done; to command, and it stood fast.  God determines the limits of men's lives.  This is exceeding evident.  Job 7:1, "Is there not a time of hard service for man on earth? Are not his days also like the days of a hired man?"  Days of a hired man signify an appointed, certain, limited time, just as Isaiah 16:14 and 21:16.  If the limits of men's lives are determined, men's free actions must be determined, and even their sins.  Yes, for their lives often depend on such acts. See also Job 14:5.[12]

            God tells us that with His absolute sovereignty He uses it in both decreeing and then permitting our sins, which come from our hearts as evil.  Yet, God plans them to bring about our good in the end and chiefly to Glorify His Son Jesus Christ.  Romans 8:28, "We know that in everything God works for good with those who love him, who are called according to his purpose."  And, Ecclesiastes 7:8, "The end of a thing is better than its beginning."  Now that we had a brief look into God's Sovereignty I will dive into God using His sovereignty to sanctify us.

         The Old Testament way of explaining sanctification was stated like gold and silver being refined in the furnace.  Gold would be placed in the furnace 7 times in order to remove any impurities from it so that it could be a very pure high quality gold.  God with the church and individual saints is testing and refining us to transform us into the highest quality bride for His Son, Jesus Christ.  What God is doing is testing pushing us to prove we love Him with the purest love.  We tell God we love Him above all things and so He test us and helps us become what we say we are: in love with Jesus Christ above all. 

          For the most part my Christianity has been fairly easy.  What I mean by this is that God has, in His abundant kindness, given me a heart, since I was a small child, to love Him.  I did not fight or ask for this, God gave it to me.  I never fought obeying my parents; God gave me the heart to love them.  I was always more attentive in Sunday school simply because I wanted to know God more; I did not fight for this it was given to me by God.  I always knew more of God than my peers, I did not fight for this, for God gave this to me.  From reading my bible to most other things regarding loving and trusting God, I have had little struggle in fully embracing it all.  Even hard doctrine such as predestination and God's hard sovereignty, were given to my as a gift by God.  From the very second I read Romans 9 I fully embraced these doctrines without and fighting against it, although I was raised in a non-reformed environment.  Doctrines like John Piper's teaching on Christian Hedonism I had discovered by myself as an eight-year-old boy, which God taught me in my bible reading.  Almost every biblical doctrine I know today I was not taught by man but by God in my own studies.  God, it seems, has literally given the cream of Christianity to me, without much fighting on my part!  He simply gave it to me.  I often times when I feel the weight of this enter into deep worship and thankfulness to my wonderful God for His steadfast love to me.  Yet, there came a day when it was different.

         In my teenage years I began to struggle with a particular sin that was defeating me and throwing me into a depression.  During this time, the Spirit of God, lead me to understand what was going on in my life.  The Holy Spirit spoke in my heart encouraging me to understand that God has been very kind to me by keeping me from so much sin but now on this one issue was loosening the protection normally given to me. 

         What God did was Sovereignly release the powerful grace of the Spirit that normally made obeying God in my life fairly easy.  God also lengthened the leash and brought His fence closer on this issue of my life permitting the devil to come closer in his harassing me on this sin.  This was confirmed to me when I actually saw physical manifestations of demon activity trying to tempted me in my sin (which has only happened in this one issue in my life).  During this time the Spirit of Christ encouraged me in the following manner.

          I felt like Peter at the very end of the gospel of John when Jesus leaned close to Peter and said three times, "do you love Me" then "feed my sheep."  I felt Jesus Christ my Lord lean close to me and putting His hand over mine say: "Oshea do you love me."  I said, "yes you know I do with all my heart, the heart you gave me."  Jesus saying back, "Then pass this testing , which I have placed you in and fight this sin and show me that you do love me."  I felt the ring of these word resounding in my soul, "Oshea do you love me, then FIGHT this sin."  God let me know He sovereignly placed me here, being so vulnerable, so that I could be tested.  God wanted me, whom He had kept from so much harm and sin, to show my love for Him by proving my love for Him.  God wanted me to fight for Him, by loving Jesus so much that I would be willing to cut off a hand or poke out an eye in order to be with Him who gave Himself for me in His dying love. 

         Because I knew God was sovereign in my life on this issue, it kept me from falling into despair when I seemed to fail so hard at fighting it.  I knew God, whether now or later, would free me from my weakness and would work all this to His Glory and my good in Christ.  Likewise, I knew God was testing me in His love, and not trying to brake me waiting to laugh when I fell.  All who know God's sovereignty and mercy in their lives to their fuller extents have the most encouragement and strength to fight sin!  It is hard to express the power that this knowledge gives to the believer.

         For me I realized it is far less shameful to admit and face up my sinful weakness, than to not face up to them and then to fall hard.  I discovered in weakness to sin, placing up fences to guard one self is the wise thing to do.  I would rather deny myself certain privileges to entrapments, people and situations than to fall prey to a sinful weakness that I know I have.  I hate playing the avoidance[13] ethic, because it limits my potential for evangelism in certain ways and makes me look silly to my peers.  Yet, I know if faced with certain temptations I have a decent chance to falling to it.  I have to decide, which is more of a treasure to me, giving honor to my Lord and Savior in close communion or this world, or the fear of man.  

          I have a sign over my door to my bedroom that says: "Remember the end of the rich young man.  Do not love this world."  In this entertainment driven culture we live in I need to hear this every day.  If I am to be refined as pure gold ready to be united to my Lord Jesus Christ in heaven, then I must lay my head down every night with the goal that I have loved my God today and not this world.  I must face up to my weakness and place up the fences in my life that I know without I am willingly setting up myself to fail to sin.  Tiredness, friend pressure, pressure from this culture that tells me I am entitled to entertainments, I must resolve to fight against these so that my Love for Jesus Christ will be pure for Him. 

          Knowing how much Jesus Christ has forgiven me in the gospel is the bedrock of my strength to fight sin.  It causes me to love Him much.[14]  I realize I already have my God's love and therefore, I do not have to earn it but only enjoy it.  This free love from my God in the gospel along side the doctrine that my God is sovereign in my battle with my sins is the greatest source from where I feel healed.  It is here I find my feeble legs are strengthened to fight another day.  Fighting hard sins can bring the best fighter to their knees in helplessness and despair, but God's mercy found on the cross and His sovereign hand controlling my life is able to keep me when I feel pressed down so hard.

        During the past year God has revealed more and more to me how I need to believe more deeply with more loving affection how much Jesus Christ has forgiven me of all my sins.  I will mostly like write a long Journal entry about this one day, but for now I will say through a series of events God is leading me to trust with more conviction, more continually and with more affection that through my Lord Jesus Christ has saved me from all my sins! 

          Practically what I have done is constantly spent long periods of time prostrated or bowed down in prayer simply thanking my Lord Jesus Christ for His deep love and suffering in saving me.  Thanking Him sincerely knowing it is actually true, that all my sins are totally forgiven, by His mere free grace!  Thanking Him that He has proven forever He is love by being a propitiation for me!  This has done more than anything in furthering my love and belief in God in the gospel and causing to me live in righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.  Praise God, Praise God my sins are forgiven!  To live in this Divine Prospective is such a wonderful gift, for which I speak forever to the glory of my good and great God, Jesus Christ.

        Psalm 119:71,92, "It is good for me that I have been afflicted, That I may learn Your statutes." & "Unless Your law had been my delight, I would then have perished in my affliction."

            Prayer:

            "God my Father you were the one who afflicted me in Your wisdom and faithfulness.  Yet, it was a good thing, for I have come to know You, Your Son, and Your beauty better.  You are a faithful teacher.  I have heard, You Never Fail, but now I have seen.  Although You placed my bed in hell, still with infinite ease you kept your servant from harm, the devil and evil.  The blood of our Son Jesus Christ still does not fail me.  I have sinned and sin continually, yet the fountain of grace flowing from Christ's bloodshed for me runs stronger than ever without wavering.  To Your glory I proudly say, my need is constant, but the supply of Your grace is more constant.  My sin is great, but Christ's bloodshed is mightier.  

Dear Father show to me my sins, all of them in your timing, granting me a humble heart so that I may repent and find a loving Father through the sure mercies of His Son Jesus Christ.  Forgive me for my heart of unbelief and yes, even the sins I don't know yet You do.  Cleans me afresh in the mercies of your Son Jesus Christ and put an upright, humble heart in me until the Day you lead me to Your throne in Heaven, being clothed in Christ's immorality, light, and glory. 

            Yahweh my Almighty God, teach me, lead me to the place in Your gentle kindness where all my fear and selflessness is gone, so that as I look upon the cross You have caused me to bear, I follow Your command without a moment hesitation.  For does not my life belong to my Creator, to my Savior who purchased me with His Own blood.  Therefore, may the love of Your Son, in the gospel, being burned on my heart be the power that enables me to count the cost and with my whole heart shout yes! to Your Glory.

            Heaven Farther it is in your Son's Name Jesus Christ that I pray. Amen."

[1] Ephesians 5:3 (NIV)

[2] Job 42:11

[3] 1 John 5:4

[4] Vincent Cheung, Human Struggle and Divine Sovereignty, 2008, pages 17-19, 21-22, and 29.  It may be found at www.vincentcheung.org.  Slight editing and emphasis added by Oshea Davis.

[5] Isaiah 50:6-9

[6] Hebrews 12:2

[7] Mark 11:22

[8] Psalm 119:71

[9] Jonathan Edwards, from "Charity, or Love, the Sum of All Virtue", quoted from "Day by Day", published by Hendrickson Publishers, 2005, page 99.  Light editing and emphases added by Oshea Davis

[10] This does not take away our responsibility or reduce the command of God to us to resist and fight against every temptation and sin. 

[11] From his book, The End for which God Created the World.

[12] From the book, The Divine Decrees, published by PublishAmerica 2007, page 46

[13] Romans 13:14, "But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh."

[14] Luke 7:47 "Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little."